Grandma says that 22-month old Raleigh should be potty trained…and NOW! She tells his parents to "Teach him now before the new baby comes and you have to wash more diapers.". Mom and dad are confused because Raleigh’s childcare provider disagrees, saying, "He’s just not ready." So, who is right? Is Raleigh ready or not? Are his parents ready? What’s the best course of action? How can mom and dad know?

Unfortunately, there are no magic developmental timetables to tell us when a particular child should be toilet trained, weaned, or, even, ready to begin talking. Every child is different. Certainly, we look for some patterns in a child’s development that may give an indication of "readiness," but when a process, like toileting, is started too early it tends to frustrate everyone involved. Caregivers can help parents decide when the child is ready for toileting by offering some of the following ideas:

A child might be ready to begin toilet training if s/he:

• Sits and walks alone with ease
• Shows interest in the potty….without coaxing
• Is dry through most naps
• Is dry all night, once in a while
• Can pull pants up and down
• Can understand and use words
• Is aware when s/he has eliminated – may tell you "wet"
• Likes getting approval from adults

Toileting is a complicated process. In the beginning stages, the child must be able to delay eliminating long enough to:

• Notice the physical sensations of "needing to go"
• Recognize what those sensations mean by forming a mental image
• Find an adult (this may be particularly tough on the playground)
• Get an adult’s attention
• Communicate the need to go to the potty
• Get the adult to take him/her to the toilet (maybe upstairs, inside…)
• Get pants/diapers off
• Stand by or sit on potty
• "Aim" properly

In order to complete this sequence, the child’s sphincter muscles must be mature enough to "hold it" for quite a long time. S/he must be physiologically ready. Children who are the same chronological age are not necessarily the same neurological maturity. If their neurological systems are still very immature, they simply cannot wait long enough to use the potty successfully. Any adult who is stuck in traffic (while needing a rest stop) can understand the toddler’s dilemma.

When an adult expects behaviors from child who is too immature, both the adult and the child get frustrated. Unreasonable expectations can lead to threats and to cycles of anger, hurt, and resentment that harm relationships and feelings. None of us learn well when we are anxious or frightened—instead humans regress to patterns from earlier less threatening, more comfortable times—like toddlers needing a diaper instead of using a potty. Similarly, a child who has been staying dry and using the toilet quite regularly can regress back to wetting and soiling when s/he experiences big changes or stresses at home (A new step-parent? An illness? A move? A death?) or in the childcare setting (Moving to a new classroom? Losing a beloved caregiver who left the center? ") Some set-backs should be expected with changes in a child’s life.

Adults would be wise to think about readiness and some additional issues before teaching toileting. Are there stressors that might delay success? Is there a lot of change going on in the child’s life? Did he just start childcare? Is there a move, a divorce, a job-change pending in the family? As in Raleigh’s case, is there a new baby on the way? Would waiting until there are fewer changes and less stress, help to make the child’s toileting experience less stressful, more consistent, and more successful?

For children in childcare settings, toilet learning can be much easier when parents and caregivers work together. Parents and providers should consider discussing the following:

• whether the child appears ready to start toileting

• ways to provide consistency for toileting at home and at childcare
• who supplies training pants and extra clothing
• how dirty pants will be stored and sent home
• who supplies plastic bags for dirty clothing
• how adults will respond to the child’s "successes"

• how adults will respond to "accidents"

• the degree to which the child is learning or whether stop the process and delay it for a while until s/he is more ready

• whether, when and how the child might "graduate" to a new classroom now that s/he has toileting skills

Children who are really ready and who have supportive adults to encourage them often learn to use the potty in a week. Consistency, calm, patience, and collaboration between adults in the child’s life help nudge the process along. Working together, parents and caregivers smooth the way for the child’s success.

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